Replies aren’t comments, it’s time for proper etiquette

»Social media made y’all way too comfortable with disrespecting people and not getting punched in the face for it.« – Mike Tyson

The one thing Twitter did right, the one thing that made it so sticky wasn’t immediacy and speed, it was access. You could actually talk to the people you were interested in and there was a high chance that they interacted with you. Something that just hadn’t been true before Twitter. Sure, celebrities got inundated with messages in a volume that was impossible to deal with, but for most people it actually worked great – and it’s the one thing that every Twitter clone on the market, even Threads, is trying to keep going.

But there is a problem. One that hasn’t to do with volume or the size of an audience. A change in behaviour that can be traced to bad product design and questionable ideas of what is desirable for a platform. And it all comes back to stickiness. Changes to the product that Twitter started to incorporate years ago, because it saw how successful they were for Facebook. The goal was to make people spend more time on your platform by any means necessary and one of the worst concepts tech companies have discovered: The term »revealed preferences.«

Roughly condensed it means that we, the users, don’t actually know what we want or like, instead our behaviour »reveals« our true desires. You know, like heroin addicts. They don’t actually want to quit or they would. Their revealed preference is to take more heroin. And platform users actually want their monkey brain tickled so that they keep using the app. It’s not nefarious at all. Anyways, back to how this ruined internet etiquette.

Replies aren’t a public forum

Back in the day (or at least after Twitter properly implemented replies, I know there was a time before that, I was there, I’m very old) replies weren’t really public. They only showed up for people who were following you and the person you were replying to. Which made sense – it indicated an interest in both of you. But then it all changed when Twitter learned that replies could be sticky.

Soon popular replies started showing up in your feed even if you didn’t follow the person – leading to a big shift in incentives for users. Because the »best« replies started to gain traction and could be used to gain new followers and engagement. So replies stopped being about conversation, they became another public forum and utterly ruined as a consequence.

This change in perception could even be seen in the language it created. In german replies became »Drukos«, short for »Drunterkommentare«, literally comments under a post and quote posts became »Drükos« aka »Drüberkommentare«, comments over a post. And the subtle shift from reply to comment made a world of difference. Because now, replying to a person was the same as commenting under a blog post. Something to be done so that others could read it, not as a conversation with the original poster.

A behavioural change is needed

That behaviour is now so common, it has even propagated to Mastodon, where no algorithmic incentives exist that actually encourage treating replies like comments. But the result is the same: it makes posting on the internet worse. Because even I, a person who isn’t a celebrity or even a large-ish account, have to have conversations about behaviour on a weekly or maybe bi-weekly basis. All because people intrude my space like it’s theirs.

See, there is a huge difference between a post and a reply. You only see my posts because you want to. I don‘t force them on you. Either you specifically followed me or a person you followed decided, that you are probably interested in what I had to say. But if you reply to that post, you force it me to engage in some way, even if it’s just reading what you had to say.

That can be a powerful tool. If you think you can actually add to what I said an engaging conversation could arise. Something that enriches both of our lives. Hell, this is how I have met multiple people who are now my friends. It’s one of the best things that can happen on social media.

But, and it’s a big but, it can also drive people off the platforms. Especially if they have a huge following. One example is what happens every time Technology Connections posts on Mastodon. The way that a lot of people write replies would get them punched in the mouth if they were at a party. And it’s not about tone policing, it’s about them not even considering that replies are forced interaction.

Best case scenario they are just demanding attention, worst case scenario they aren’t even trying to talk to you but a hypothetical person who reads the »comments« (THEY AREN’T FUCKING COMMENTS) – and even at my size sort of successful post tends to gather one or two replies that fall in this category. Make this the experience for every post, every day, every week and every month and social media will be ruined for you.

The solution according to me

That’s why we need to bring back the old understanding of what constitutes a reply: A direct connection to the original poster. And there needs to be a proper etiquette around it. This the one i propose.

• Think about who you are to the original poster
• Are you mutuals? Just go ahead, even stupid jokes are going to be fine
• They aren’t following you but know who you are: You don’t need to put tons of care into your reply, the intentions will be clear
• You are a stranger, but an expert in the field of the original post: Don’t assume the original poster doesn’t know about the thing you are about to say. Check their credentials. Proceed in a non-condescending way
• You are just a stranger: Does your reply add true value to a person who is literally forced to read it? The joke better be at least a 8/10. If your question is something googleable, google it first. Remember you are forcing an interaction here. Be respectful. Only say what you would say to their face